Post Traumatic Stress Headache

Oh My God Y'all
I am TERRIFIED of the dentist. So much so that I have not been to the dentist since...well let's just say OVER a decade.

You see I have a small mouth. PAUSE (my friends are all on the floor laughing....hang on they'll be another minute)

Okay Small mouth riiiight>

I also am the genetic recipient of a rare condition where for several of my teeth I grew three (3) sets of teeth (1 baby, 2 adult)

I only have 24 teeth. Right now... in my head....this second. For real!

if you are following along you may have come to the realization that I am missing some teeth. several.... LOTS to be exact.

THEY (my parents and dentist)knew early on that I would have "issues" in a bid to help my teeth grow in properly 4 of my baby teeth were pulled to make "room".

Of course there was no room and couple that with the few extras I was growing and between the ages of 8-18 I had 13 adult teeth removed..YES

FREAKIN 13.... I call BULLSHIT!

Oh and did I mention that my teeth never grew in straight anyway so I had to wear orthodontic braces for 5 years. oh yeah baby it was AWESOME! My eye teeth came in over top of my front teeth. Crazy Ass teeth.

Needless to say by the time I was 23 after a lifetime of one painful detal visit after another, one day I forgot to return the dentist's call for a recall appointment and they never called to re-book my appointment and I certainly did not call them.

I don't really know what snapped in my brain. it's not like I didn't know I SHOULD go to the dentist. I was no longer just afraid of my dentist I was afraid of any dentist. I was afraid to pick up the phone to call a dentist.

This presisted even after I had kids.

My son was 6 years old before the shame of not taking him to the dentist over took my fear of dentists.

It was not a pleasent experience but the hygienist who looked after me took one look in my mouth and said she totally understood why I have not been to the dentist is so long. She empathized with me and said...."Well that could not have been fun"

One look and someone validated my childhood of dental horror.

Silly as it may seem...it kinda made it all better.

It was not as horrible as I thought it would be. I only have one chipped filling and one cavity that has to be fixed.

It will still be a long time before I can handle a dental visit without anxiety,(I have a pounding headache from clenching my jaw and locking it while she was working one me - for only 45 mins) but this new dentist office was certainly a lucky pick for our family.

Oh did I mention I sent my kids first to test out the office and scheduled my appointment after them, once I knew it was okay. Shameful but true.

Whatever gets our family dental care back on track works for me!

Yours in dental health.

Pushing the Buggy.

Trying

Trying to get back in to some good habits.

Trying to blog everyday again
Trying to exercise (do something) everyday
Trying to eat better everyday (atleast 2 servings of fruit and 2 veggies)
Trying to get in more study time on 2 courses that i am taking
Trying to put my blackberry down
Trying to menu plan for the week
Trying to grocery shop by a list
Trying to pay more attention when my husband is speaking (tough I know blah blah)
Trying to save some money where i can
Trying to enjoy my new job with less hours but also less pay and no benefits
Trying not to be terrified of paying for upcoming dentist bill
Trying to be supportive for friends that really really need it
Trying to build a business plan for my future
Trying to keep up with school homework and activities
Trying to support husband in his choice of volunteer work
Trying to maintain therapy schedule and exercises for the boy child
Trying to enjoy my baby, being a baby
Trying to fix up all the little things around the house that need fixing
Trying to save to fix the big things that need fixing

Trying to keep all the balls in the air.

No wonder I am tired.

2011

What a year! 2010 was not my favorite year, but i learned so much on the way and even though the journey was tough in the end it worked out.

Lots of changes on the horizon for 2011.

We made the decision for me to quit my cushy job with health benefits and a pension, so that I could take a job closer to home and for fewer hours so I can drop the kids off at school and pick them up, do home work and cook at home. This also made it easier for my Mother in law to continue babysitting for us as it wasn't such a long day for her.

We are hoping we can stay diciplined enough to stick to our new budget which now requires us to put money aside for health care and retirement.

I think this year will be a lot of juggling trying to figure it all out but we should settle into something we can live with soon.

that's all the time i have for now, hope to be back soon and more often.

Filling the Gap

Time flies when you're having fun.
or
when you are hanging on by your finger nails to every scrap of sanity and reality that may exist.

I spent the summer trying to recover from pregnancy and giving birth. All while trying to entertain my 2 older kids and take care of a newborn who does not believe in any kind of consistent sleep schedule.

I had contact with a friend who abruptly changed our relationship well over a year ago. We exchanged emails as we tried to work through what happened and how or if we can move forward. I'm still not sure what will come of it or what i want to come of it.

I was so looking forward to school starting for a break, but that desperation seemed to paralyze me for at least three weeks as I did very little but sit on the couch and watch T.V. Which in turn only let me gain a few more pounds which is just awesome (NOT).

I sat by my computer and watched a woman's marriage be tested, unravel and then implode in a spectacular event of infidelity and betrayal that I still cannot truly comprehend but yet I know happens all over the world everyday. I feel a kinship with this woman, we have the same sense of humor. We swear ALOT. We love our kids and we both have a fierce determination to make our lives just the way we want them, no matter WHO fucks with it. It makes me happy to exchange with her.

The last week or two I have been feeling better, getting some rest and moving back into some light exercise. My muscles are sore, but it feels good.

I think I am well on my way to making a come back. Good thing too. Because another close friend of mine has a nasty habit of reminding me all the time how many days are left until CHRISTMAS.

HALP!

Comings and Goings

WOW! This is definately the longest I've gone without posting. Not that I haven't thought about it, it has just been pure chaos around here lately.

Coming into our lives a beautiful baby boy.

Going somewhat peacefully after a long wonderful life our steadfast canine companion of 13 years. He stayed just long enough for our new arrival and then his time came about a week later. Funny how animals are. I still miss him everyday!

ahhhh! speaking of chaos some is happening right now and I will have to post more later!

Moving on...

I can't believe that I haven't posted in over a month. I don't think I have ever done that before.

Can't believe in a month or so I will have a brand new baby in my arms and all the joy and fun that comes with that.

What a crazy few months this has been. My replacement at work started this week and we got a good block of training underway. I realized that my job is REALLY hard to teach someone that does not have any background in medical terminology, computer software programmed by a bilingual programmer who leaned more to french than english.

the whole F'd up system makes no sense to anyone but people who have worked with it for a year or more. Craziness.

I caught a friggin cold again from my germbag 6yr old. Curses.

I am stuffed up, puffed up and big, bitter and bitchy at this point.

I feel like my belly is going to explode, I'm not getting much sleep and I am working my ass off to prepare my replacement to take over with minimum inconvenience to her.

I can hardly wait to have a year off.

Now all I have to do is push a bowling ball through a baseball sized hole.....GREAT!

Just so you know and maybe its just me......BUT I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN HOW UNPLEASENT OR PAINFUL CHILDBIRTH IS.....

Who are these women that say you forget all about it??? bitches.

Not looking forward to this ...however I am looking forward to being able to sleep on my back again and then my tummy again. For all that is good and holy.

most of my baby laundry is done and I have a good supply of diapers and wipes, my bags are packed so I think I am prepared as I can be at this point.

the kids are well informed of what will happen and who will be looking after them when the time comes.

All we have to do now is wait.

My first was a week early, my second was three weeks early. I swear to all that is held sacred in this universe and beyond if I go past my due date (may 30th) with this one. I will be one very large UNHAPPY camper. I decided to leave work 3 weeks early just to maybe give myself a few days before the event. If that little break is all my body needs to keep this kid on board I will FREAK OUT.

Although I feel like that baby has shifted and started to settle in my hip a little and I have no lap left whatsoever, and I have had a few contractions already, so I would guess that I am on track to deliver sometime between my due date and a week or two early.

It is snowing again and the kids want to get back to painting so I am out of time.

Until next time.....

What do you believe?

What we believe about ourselves has such a great impact on our lives.

Awhile ago someone shared some early childhood memories and how that has impacted her life and her relationships.

My heart went out to her, my childhood was really pretty good, lots of love, lots of people, lots of hugs and smiles, nothing overly traumatic.

As I thought of this person often over the week that followed I reflected.

Memories started bubbling up for me. The usual ones, being 2-3 yrs old and getting to skip my nap because I was helping my dad build our backyard pool. Not sure if i actually remember this or if I have heard the story so many times I can picture it in my mind. My most "em bare assing" moment, a gymnastic meet where my uniform did not fit properly and I made the ill decision to forgo underwear and follow my coaches instructions to never touch your suit during your routine, you guessed it 2mins of my bare ass hanging out while I turned cartwheels and danced around a highschool gym infront of a couple hundred of my peers and friends. Traumatic yes at the time, but not horrible in the grand scheme of my life. After finding my Mom and crying for an hour and surviving the next month at school the incident slipped from the social conciousness and I was able to continue on.

Then a few more painful ones like being in grade 7 and having my best friend suddenly and with out explaination deciding she did not want to be my friend anymore. then taking it a step further and trying to turn the entire class against me. Again fairly usual stuff although we never regained our friendship and I realized this memory does effect my current life. Next, Gr 8 when the cast list for our School wide play was posted. Clearly posted for all to see was my name in the title role, erased and written over with another girl's name. I am not good enough. Very painful, very acutely aware that life is not fair. Can't remember much about that, I remember writing about it in my homeroom journal and my Gr 8 teacher (who was directing the play) apologizing to me for the insensitivity. I remember gutting it out and performing my part in the play. Because that's what I do. My parents always said life isn't fair. I remember my mom clearly talking to me saying it is only one more year and then I'll be in highschool and there will be so many more people to choose my friends from.

Needless to say, reflecting on some of these memories made me realize how cautious I am with building friendships today. I am standoffish, I do not share alot about myself, it takes a very long time for me to trust people and I guess I never really do, I subscribe to the "time, reason and season" philosophy for friendship and do not expect my friendships to last EVER. Sooner or later everyone finds a reason to not be my friend anymore. I've stopped trying to figure it out, question it, I just believe that someway, somehow it is me and my fault and I just let it go.

Going one step further, I know that it can be hard to be my friend, I never give people alot to go on. I am usually brutally honest and sometimes I know how much that will affect someone but I say it anyway to try to be heard, to try to get my point across. I can be harsh.

I realized I have a tendancy to latch on to one or two people and forgo building other friendships to avoid being "dumped" by many and only to be hurt by a few. Therefore making me look cliquish, or like a snob.

I am usually not very clear or specific when I need something from a friendship and sometimes over promise on support and under deliver. (my perception)


My point being that reading this persons memories and reflecting on my own memories and what they mean or have meant to me, has given me the opportunity to take some time to decide how to proceed with this aspect of my life.

My general philosopy at this point, my past no longer has the right or priveledge to control my future. I want to have valuable friendships where I feel safe, nurtured and there is equality to the give and take, ebb and flow, I want to be supportive and open and trusting.

Friendships come and go for a variety of reasons, I need to stop the belief that it is always me. It is usually a combination, my logical brain knows this.

I want to thank this person for openly sharing a painful piece of herself. It affected me and has helped me work through a part of my psyche, that will open opportunities for me, that will help me understand more about myself and help me feel better about myself.

I am grateful to her.

A more sugar coated version about beliefs is here.


thanks to this person, you know who you are.
:)