La la la la Life goes on....

Can't believe it has been another 3-4 months since my last post. I suppose it is a testament to all that has been going on in my life this year. It was a totally wild ride and I learned alot. But here I am on my couch with nothing to do for a few days but sit and wait and see what life has in store for me. My dream job, turned out not to be such a dream for me. It was a fantastic learning experience, I will give it that. But it cost me alot as well. With that said. I am looking forward to a few days of rest and getting my house back in order and then who knows. I'm hoping that the bog will once again be that place where I can get all the thoughts out and sort through them and keep what's important and let go of what is not important. My and the hubby are doing well, he is happy to have his wife back after a year of being consumed with details for work. We had a great time camping with the kids a few weeks ago and look forward to many more adventures. My oldest is doing well, we are pursuing some more testing for him to see what can be done to help him with his school work. My girl is fabulous, she is cute and sweet and loves everything life has to throw at her. My baby is not a baby anymore, he is now 2 and just full of wonder, curiosity and resistance and defiance. I won't lie, he is a handful. Our life has been crazy and stressful so I am looking forward to getting a handle on things and moving through our days with a little less stress. Cheers to those of you still interested. See you tomorrow.

Dear Loyal Followers,

I have now realized that everyday someone checks my blog, either a new person who found my blog through a search or key word or many of you who were regular followers who are just curious as to what that heck is going on around here?

So this update is for you.

Yes I am knee deep in figuring out this working mom of 3 thing, while trying to do well at being a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend, and a good employee because contrary to my behaviour and my dishevelled appearence some days. I still want to be a good if not a spectacularily great employee.

For home I am knee deep in mothering an 8yr old child with a physical disability, who is starting to get real frustrated with it. on top of the fact that recent testing has revealed an additional vision problem that has likely been the root cause of his falling behind in his reading.

A sweet 5.5 year old girl who loves dressing in "fashion" and wants me to curl her poker straight hair everyday for school (not enough time in the whole for that one baby)

A gorgeous 21 month old tasmanian devil of a boy who loves to pull every.single. pot or pan or baking dish or tupperware container out of the cupboards EVERY. SINGLE. DAY! oh yeah did I mention before 6AM...yes that's correct 6AM! OY

A darling husband who continues to ask me if I'm sure we can't swing HOMESCHOOLING our kids cause he thinks that would be what is best for them. huh?? I can tell you right now me being home with all me kids every. single. day! Will not be good for ANYONE!

My work is crazy busy as we are ticking down to some SIGNIFICANT deadlines, nothing like a little pressure to get the creative juices flowing. Add that to the pressures of conflicting priorities and volia, not enough coffee in the world right now!

So instead I came here to procrasinate a little more and give y'all a little update.

I'm sure I will be back more often as I really feel the need to get things out of my head right now to clear the space for what I really need to get done.

Cheers

Is it possible???

Could it really be 5 months since I last posted to my blog?? Unbelieveable. When I last posted I had just successfully negotiated a new position with an organization I am very passionate about.

I am now working with a Family Network organization that supports families of children with Special needs.

We offer a Parent Mentoring program where we match families with similar situations, who share their knowledge and experience and support each other through these experiences. We also coordinate several seminars and workshops based on topics requested by parent.

it is a very exciting time and I am so happy to be a part of it.

I will try to update more often.

since all this change, I am having a hard time taking of the baby weight from last May....so I think that will be part of my focus for the next little while is getting my health under control.

Hope you are all doing well!

Sometimes you have to be greatful

Sometimes all the points of your life intersect and you realize everything in your life up to now has given you the skills, experience and attitude for something great to happen.

Yeah me. I am so greatful for all my past experiences!

More later

Holy Shit Guys I'm Published!

I know this is 2 posts in one day! Freaky.

Check it out. HERE
Leave a comment.

So exciting!

thanks guys

On the path to Fit

As you know we had the FLU. I know... it's all i have been talking about. It was cruel, it was awful.

Silver lining...I lost 7 lbs. I'm sure some of it was muscle mass, but the jeans were looser people.

This was a nice surprise. although I should not have been surprised, since I was eating nothing but soup for 10 days and drinking tonnes of water and taking vitamins....hey wait aminute this is starting to sound like eating healthy.

So I said to myself...SELF...just keep going. So I did. I haven't lost any more weight in the past 2 weeks but I haven't gained any either, which is great since i was re-introducing FOOD for God's Sake. Carbs, Also, I had a weak moment around March 1st our RRSP deadline here in Cananda and my busiest time of year...and i happened to bump into a box of three Cadbury Easter Cream Eggs. BLAM, GONE...IN MY BELLY! oops.

But I am starting with breakfast and tried to have a great breakfast everyday this week and did pretty good except for Wednesday when I swear the children were plotting against me.

Some Oatmeal, and a protein smoothie with bananas and blueberries, YUM.

next week I will try for breakfast and a healthy balanced, "clean" snack.

I got this shit!

Recovery

Holy cow!
5 sick people equals not a very good 10 days in our household.

Fevers, chills, sore throats, aches and pains.

It has not been much fun.

We are on the mend and using this Family Day weekend to rest, recovery and take it easy. Catch up on all the laundry and cleaning to get this sickness the hell out of my house!

It was a tough 10 days of juggling work, child care, sick kids, homework and food.

If I never eat soup again it won't hurt my feelings. That's all anyone wanted and we went through all the soup in the cupboard and all the soup broth and noodles I keep in the pantry to make homemade soup.

One Bonus: a jump start to weight loss, I think I lost about 7 lbs from my soup eating.

Of course the poor baby got it last and he is still not very happy. Which means I must end this blog post to go comfort him.

Poor guy!

Hope everyone else is well and enjoying their family day weekend.

What the Hell Batman.

What is it that happens to men when the women gets sick.

Today my husband was I'll say righteously indignant, I think I am using the words correctly. Another way to put it would be total ASSHOLE.

I have had the flu for 2.5 days now. This morning as I wake up with a splitting headache, he choses to rag on my about how HARD this is for him to do EVERYTHING.

QUOI? Pardonez Moi? Que? ahhhassholesayswhat?

I'm sorry did you just say how hard it is to not just be able to get up for work have a shower make your lunch and leave??? Well... I Never>

he proceeded to rag on my that I have not been taking care of myself, eating properly, exercising enough or getting enough sleep. And that I need to get my act together because he can't afford for me to be sick.

Again Qu-est que what the fuck?? and... OH.NO.YOU.DIDNT!

As I melted on to the floor (which was all the strength I had to do) I managed to squeak out "Anytime you would like to help me achieve any of those things. I would greatly appreciate it. Because you're right I have not been doing any of those things because I have been too busy taking care of 3 tiny whiners and ONE BIG FAT ONE." And then I thought to myself, now get the fuck out of my house before I summon the strength to get off the floor and kick you in the balls for being an idiot.

Now I suspect that some of this behaviour stems from the fact that he fell asleep on the couch last night and got Fuck all done around the house so he was feeling bad about that, and he probably did not sleep well on the couch which made him grouchy.

But when I got my wits together and called him at 10 o'clock I let him know that he needed to get his shit together because kicking a girl when she is down is NOT COOL. Especially when she is the one who washes your underwear!

Suck it!

Guilt and Sickness

Which comes first?
I am so sick today. Fever, chills, cough (which is so nasty I am almost puking)body aches and pains. This is crazy. I am missing work today. Yesterday my boss was so kind and sent me home an hour early so I could get some rest and although it helped I awoke this morning feeling like crap. I tried everything I threw all kinds of meds at it. Day quill, some electrolytes, vitamins. But just getting the boy ready for school today I broke out in a fantastic sweat and then was shaking with the chills when I went to drop him off.

I feel guilty because I was just sick three weeks ago when the flue ripped through our house, I was off for 2 days for the kids and a day for myself.

I am trying to eat well and take vitamins everyday to help. I have been forgoing the laundry (except the very basics) to get a few hours extra sleep at night and I still keep catching whatever the kids are bringing home from school.

I know I shouldn't feel bad but I do.

I know this is just a bad winter and everything will be better soon. But seriously, I cook good meals with lots of veggies, we all eat lots of fruit and I make the kids fantastic healthy lunches. Why can't we fight this stuff off.

This has just been such a bad year of getting sick for us. Its driving me crazy.

Anyone else missing lots of work due to family and then self illness??

Job Satisfaction

What is job satisfaction?

Am I satisfied in my current job? Yes, the work is familiar yet I learn something new everyday. I am competent in my job so I easily know and feel I am doing a good job. I have great hours that work around my family, I can drop the kids off at school and pick them up from school. I have a little time to myself everyday for lunch. There are no benefits which sucks, and I am making less money per hour. The people that I work for are good, solid honest people. they are understanding and forgiving and flexible. There is a career path that comes with this job that is achievable for me and will allow me to build a base for my own business in the future, affording me the flexibility that I want to work and be there for my family.

Why do I still find myself scanning the want ads? Do some habits just die hard?? I have been looking for a dream job for so many years now, I think I am having trouble NOT looking.

Actually I wasn't looking, A job posting was SENT to me.

It is a dream job, to help families with a child with special needs find the resources they need within the community. It is a small organization and I would have to wear many hats, volunteer co-ordination, fundraising.

It's crazy I came off my Maternity Leave early to take my current job. I have only been working with this company for a few months.

But I am going to throw my hat in the ring and see what happens. This job jsut seems like it would be such an awesome experience to learn and grow and help others who are going through what we are going through in our community.

Lord help me if I get to the point where I have to consider a job offer and decide what to do.

Hacked

So last week, the flu swept through my household like the snow through Dallas. hard Fast and stayed for awhile. First my oldest, then the girl child, my hubby and by day 4 I was not feeling so shit hot myself.

Enter mysterious phone call that I should have known better then to entertain. However, when someone tells you they are doing a customer service call because a virus has been downloaded during your recent internet activity and since I had just finished downloading a series of lectures for a course I am taking and the baby was screaming in my ear and the oldest was lying on the couch moaning I took the call.

After all this little laptop had been my steadfast portal to sanity.

Needless to say in my moment of weekness I actually let them log on to my computer before I twigged that JARS SUPPORT was a total and complete SCAM.

Therefore full panic mode ensued and an emergency Blackberry message went out to all my IT people and a quick call to the Police and the Better Business Bureau. My day went to SHIT in a hurry. Thankfully, the IT guy we use at work took pity on me since he had actually received the same call from these guys and knew they were pretty harmless. He did a quick check on my laptop to make sure nothing had been downloaded and he deleted the program they used to log into my computer and he didn't have to destroy, delete, or uninstall and reinstall anything. he is my new hero.

However I had to spend 4.5 days with out my baby, my portal to sanity. My poor Blackberry took a beating. I am used to monitoring my bank account daily. I went insane.

Needless to say all is well. and those guys from JARS better not call back because if they get me when I'm on my A game I am going to lose my shit!

People who prey on other people....SUCK!

Have a nice day!

s

Excited or Tired???

I am on a roller coaster these days.

The new job is great, learning lots, but it is requiring ALOT of focus and discipline that I have not had to exert for a few years. I am tired.

One of my babysitters called in sick and I spent the better part of last night trying to co-ordinate with the 2 other sitters piece together 6.5 hours of coverage for the baby. Then I spend another hour phoning a few people and doing telephone interviews and setting up appointments for a new sitter so I have a better back up plan. I am tired.

My studying for my CFP course is not going well I have 6 weeks and 4 modules quizzes to take before my final at the end of February. I am tired.

The kids have had annual check ups with every medical personnel known to man, doctor, dentist, optometrists, physiotherapy, occupational therapy. I am tired.

I feel like blogging again and writing and getting my thoughts out of my head. This is exciting.

I posed an idea and was asked if I would like to contribute to the blog of a new website going up. This is exciting.

I feel good about my family, my job, my career. This is exciting.

I hit a real slump from about 4:30 to 7:30 everyday. by 8pm I finally feel like doing something but know I need to wind down because the baby will be up at 5;30am.

Balance is getting closer. The pendulum is not swinging so hard. I'm starting to find a rhythem.

Cerebral Palsy 101

So I had a little shit fit the other day. The boy child has been complaining about having a sore back for a few weeks. At first I thought is was due to a busy day at school or the fact that we slacked off his therapy schedule over the holidays and he was just sore after getting back into our routine.

So finally when I had a few minutes I decided I should take a closer look.

I had him come stand in front of me and do some of his stretches and then I had him bend over while I took a look at his spine.

In my next breath I gasped, and tears immediately filled my eyes. I swear to you I could see a curve on his spine. It was right there staring at me. In an instant the painful teenage years of my brother came flooding back to me. The back brace, the body casts and the eventual surgery that had a steel rod (Harrington rod) fused to his spine. The fact that now twenty years later, his scoliosis is so strong he actually has a curve in the steel rod and nobody knows what to do about it.

I swear to you it was there. I could not get through to my doctor, so I called a dear friend of our who is an Osteopath (who has helped us out on many occassions). She could see him. I was not looking for any diagnosis, just a second set of eyes to tell me if she could see what I see and did she think we should visit our doctor.

Thankfully, after a treatment session, where she was able to loosen up his back muscles a bit. We both determined that there was nothing abnormal about his spine.

That day it must have been tension he was holding is his back to keep his balance or the way he was standing on his feet.

I am so very grateful that we do not have to start dealing with the added bonus of another condition so far.

Life with Cerebral Palsy is tricky most of the time and just when you think you have stuff under control it throws you a curve ball just to keep you on your toes.
:)

Post Traumatic Stress Headache

Oh My God Y'all
I am TERRIFIED of the dentist. So much so that I have not been to the dentist since...well let's just say OVER a decade.

You see I have a small mouth. PAUSE (my friends are all on the floor laughing....hang on they'll be another minute)

Okay Small mouth riiiight>

I also am the genetic recipient of a rare condition where for several of my teeth I grew three (3) sets of teeth (1 baby, 2 adult)

I only have 24 teeth. Right now... in my head....this second. For real!

if you are following along you may have come to the realization that I am missing some teeth. several.... LOTS to be exact.

THEY (my parents and dentist)knew early on that I would have "issues" in a bid to help my teeth grow in properly 4 of my baby teeth were pulled to make "room".

Of course there was no room and couple that with the few extras I was growing and between the ages of 8-18 I had 13 adult teeth removed..YES

FREAKIN 13.... I call BULLSHIT!

Oh and did I mention that my teeth never grew in straight anyway so I had to wear orthodontic braces for 5 years. oh yeah baby it was AWESOME! My eye teeth came in over top of my front teeth. Crazy Ass teeth.

Needless to say by the time I was 23 after a lifetime of one painful detal visit after another, one day I forgot to return the dentist's call for a recall appointment and they never called to re-book my appointment and I certainly did not call them.

I don't really know what snapped in my brain. it's not like I didn't know I SHOULD go to the dentist. I was no longer just afraid of my dentist I was afraid of any dentist. I was afraid to pick up the phone to call a dentist.

This presisted even after I had kids.

My son was 6 years old before the shame of not taking him to the dentist over took my fear of dentists.

It was not a pleasent experience but the hygienist who looked after me took one look in my mouth and said she totally understood why I have not been to the dentist is so long. She empathized with me and said...."Well that could not have been fun"

One look and someone validated my childhood of dental horror.

Silly as it may seem...it kinda made it all better.

It was not as horrible as I thought it would be. I only have one chipped filling and one cavity that has to be fixed.

It will still be a long time before I can handle a dental visit without anxiety,(I have a pounding headache from clenching my jaw and locking it while she was working one me - for only 45 mins) but this new dentist office was certainly a lucky pick for our family.

Oh did I mention I sent my kids first to test out the office and scheduled my appointment after them, once I knew it was okay. Shameful but true.

Whatever gets our family dental care back on track works for me!

Yours in dental health.

Pushing the Buggy.

Trying

Trying to get back in to some good habits.

Trying to blog everyday again
Trying to exercise (do something) everyday
Trying to eat better everyday (atleast 2 servings of fruit and 2 veggies)
Trying to get in more study time on 2 courses that i am taking
Trying to put my blackberry down
Trying to menu plan for the week
Trying to grocery shop by a list
Trying to pay more attention when my husband is speaking (tough I know blah blah)
Trying to save some money where i can
Trying to enjoy my new job with less hours but also less pay and no benefits
Trying not to be terrified of paying for upcoming dentist bill
Trying to be supportive for friends that really really need it
Trying to build a business plan for my future
Trying to keep up with school homework and activities
Trying to support husband in his choice of volunteer work
Trying to maintain therapy schedule and exercises for the boy child
Trying to enjoy my baby, being a baby
Trying to fix up all the little things around the house that need fixing
Trying to save to fix the big things that need fixing

Trying to keep all the balls in the air.

No wonder I am tired.

2011

What a year! 2010 was not my favorite year, but i learned so much on the way and even though the journey was tough in the end it worked out.

Lots of changes on the horizon for 2011.

We made the decision for me to quit my cushy job with health benefits and a pension, so that I could take a job closer to home and for fewer hours so I can drop the kids off at school and pick them up, do home work and cook at home. This also made it easier for my Mother in law to continue babysitting for us as it wasn't such a long day for her.

We are hoping we can stay diciplined enough to stick to our new budget which now requires us to put money aside for health care and retirement.

I think this year will be a lot of juggling trying to figure it all out but we should settle into something we can live with soon.

that's all the time i have for now, hope to be back soon and more often.

Filling the Gap

Time flies when you're having fun.
or
when you are hanging on by your finger nails to every scrap of sanity and reality that may exist.

I spent the summer trying to recover from pregnancy and giving birth. All while trying to entertain my 2 older kids and take care of a newborn who does not believe in any kind of consistent sleep schedule.

I had contact with a friend who abruptly changed our relationship well over a year ago. We exchanged emails as we tried to work through what happened and how or if we can move forward. I'm still not sure what will come of it or what i want to come of it.

I was so looking forward to school starting for a break, but that desperation seemed to paralyze me for at least three weeks as I did very little but sit on the couch and watch T.V. Which in turn only let me gain a few more pounds which is just awesome (NOT).

I sat by my computer and watched a woman's marriage be tested, unravel and then implode in a spectacular event of infidelity and betrayal that I still cannot truly comprehend but yet I know happens all over the world everyday. I feel a kinship with this woman, we have the same sense of humor. We swear ALOT. We love our kids and we both have a fierce determination to make our lives just the way we want them, no matter WHO fucks with it. It makes me happy to exchange with her.

The last week or two I have been feeling better, getting some rest and moving back into some light exercise. My muscles are sore, but it feels good.

I think I am well on my way to making a come back. Good thing too. Because another close friend of mine has a nasty habit of reminding me all the time how many days are left until CHRISTMAS.

HALP!

Comings and Goings

WOW! This is definately the longest I've gone without posting. Not that I haven't thought about it, it has just been pure chaos around here lately.

Coming into our lives a beautiful baby boy.

Going somewhat peacefully after a long wonderful life our steadfast canine companion of 13 years. He stayed just long enough for our new arrival and then his time came about a week later. Funny how animals are. I still miss him everyday!

ahhhh! speaking of chaos some is happening right now and I will have to post more later!

Moving on...

I can't believe that I haven't posted in over a month. I don't think I have ever done that before.

Can't believe in a month or so I will have a brand new baby in my arms and all the joy and fun that comes with that.

What a crazy few months this has been. My replacement at work started this week and we got a good block of training underway. I realized that my job is REALLY hard to teach someone that does not have any background in medical terminology, computer software programmed by a bilingual programmer who leaned more to french than english.

the whole F'd up system makes no sense to anyone but people who have worked with it for a year or more. Craziness.

I caught a friggin cold again from my germbag 6yr old. Curses.

I am stuffed up, puffed up and big, bitter and bitchy at this point.

I feel like my belly is going to explode, I'm not getting much sleep and I am working my ass off to prepare my replacement to take over with minimum inconvenience to her.

I can hardly wait to have a year off.

Now all I have to do is push a bowling ball through a baseball sized hole.....GREAT!

Just so you know and maybe its just me......BUT I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN HOW UNPLEASENT OR PAINFUL CHILDBIRTH IS.....

Who are these women that say you forget all about it??? bitches.

Not looking forward to this ...however I am looking forward to being able to sleep on my back again and then my tummy again. For all that is good and holy.

most of my baby laundry is done and I have a good supply of diapers and wipes, my bags are packed so I think I am prepared as I can be at this point.

the kids are well informed of what will happen and who will be looking after them when the time comes.

All we have to do now is wait.

My first was a week early, my second was three weeks early. I swear to all that is held sacred in this universe and beyond if I go past my due date (may 30th) with this one. I will be one very large UNHAPPY camper. I decided to leave work 3 weeks early just to maybe give myself a few days before the event. If that little break is all my body needs to keep this kid on board I will FREAK OUT.

Although I feel like that baby has shifted and started to settle in my hip a little and I have no lap left whatsoever, and I have had a few contractions already, so I would guess that I am on track to deliver sometime between my due date and a week or two early.

It is snowing again and the kids want to get back to painting so I am out of time.

Until next time.....

What do you believe?

What we believe about ourselves has such a great impact on our lives.

Awhile ago someone shared some early childhood memories and how that has impacted her life and her relationships.

My heart went out to her, my childhood was really pretty good, lots of love, lots of people, lots of hugs and smiles, nothing overly traumatic.

As I thought of this person often over the week that followed I reflected.

Memories started bubbling up for me. The usual ones, being 2-3 yrs old and getting to skip my nap because I was helping my dad build our backyard pool. Not sure if i actually remember this or if I have heard the story so many times I can picture it in my mind. My most "em bare assing" moment, a gymnastic meet where my uniform did not fit properly and I made the ill decision to forgo underwear and follow my coaches instructions to never touch your suit during your routine, you guessed it 2mins of my bare ass hanging out while I turned cartwheels and danced around a highschool gym infront of a couple hundred of my peers and friends. Traumatic yes at the time, but not horrible in the grand scheme of my life. After finding my Mom and crying for an hour and surviving the next month at school the incident slipped from the social conciousness and I was able to continue on.

Then a few more painful ones like being in grade 7 and having my best friend suddenly and with out explaination deciding she did not want to be my friend anymore. then taking it a step further and trying to turn the entire class against me. Again fairly usual stuff although we never regained our friendship and I realized this memory does effect my current life. Next, Gr 8 when the cast list for our School wide play was posted. Clearly posted for all to see was my name in the title role, erased and written over with another girl's name. I am not good enough. Very painful, very acutely aware that life is not fair. Can't remember much about that, I remember writing about it in my homeroom journal and my Gr 8 teacher (who was directing the play) apologizing to me for the insensitivity. I remember gutting it out and performing my part in the play. Because that's what I do. My parents always said life isn't fair. I remember my mom clearly talking to me saying it is only one more year and then I'll be in highschool and there will be so many more people to choose my friends from.

Needless to say, reflecting on some of these memories made me realize how cautious I am with building friendships today. I am standoffish, I do not share alot about myself, it takes a very long time for me to trust people and I guess I never really do, I subscribe to the "time, reason and season" philosophy for friendship and do not expect my friendships to last EVER. Sooner or later everyone finds a reason to not be my friend anymore. I've stopped trying to figure it out, question it, I just believe that someway, somehow it is me and my fault and I just let it go.

Going one step further, I know that it can be hard to be my friend, I never give people alot to go on. I am usually brutally honest and sometimes I know how much that will affect someone but I say it anyway to try to be heard, to try to get my point across. I can be harsh.

I realized I have a tendancy to latch on to one or two people and forgo building other friendships to avoid being "dumped" by many and only to be hurt by a few. Therefore making me look cliquish, or like a snob.

I am usually not very clear or specific when I need something from a friendship and sometimes over promise on support and under deliver. (my perception)


My point being that reading this persons memories and reflecting on my own memories and what they mean or have meant to me, has given me the opportunity to take some time to decide how to proceed with this aspect of my life.

My general philosopy at this point, my past no longer has the right or priveledge to control my future. I want to have valuable friendships where I feel safe, nurtured and there is equality to the give and take, ebb and flow, I want to be supportive and open and trusting.

Friendships come and go for a variety of reasons, I need to stop the belief that it is always me. It is usually a combination, my logical brain knows this.

I want to thank this person for openly sharing a painful piece of herself. It affected me and has helped me work through a part of my psyche, that will open opportunities for me, that will help me understand more about myself and help me feel better about myself.

I am grateful to her.

A more sugar coated version about beliefs is here.


thanks to this person, you know who you are.
:)